It’s so easy to put up a front isn’t it? It’s so easy to pretend everything is ok and just casually meander through life trying as hard as you can to convince you and everyone around you that you really are alright…that life is easy peasy…that it isn’t as bad as it could be…that someone else is worse off…that it’ll all work out in the end…that God is still in control…He is…isn’t He?
Life has a funny way of changing: People who should always be there no longer are. People who should always love you no longer do. Financial security that was once so abundant no longer is. Health that gives you strength every day no longer can. A job that is able to provide no longer does. A marriage that should last forever no longer will. Things that we hope will stay consistent don’t.
As I think about posts for this blog and what I can share, I am so hesitant. I have so many thoughts and ideas and hopes and prayers that I really feel I can and possibly should share, but most of them I don’t. The thing that hinders me the most is that I have managed to convince myself that I have to have a full grasp on something before I can share it. I have to fully believe, live out and delight in whatever God is teaching me before I pass it on. Maybe that’s not the case though…maybe I can share what is really on my heart and what I’m really struggling with and maybe somehow we can grow in our understanding of this together. God likes community and I’m beginning to also.
So here’s what I’m struggling with.
Justin and I came to seminary knowing that it would be rough. We expected trials of many kinds and they sure haven’t been shy. We’ve been hit really hard financially with unexpected surgery and car maintenance bills. We’ve had a strain on our relationship due to our work schedules conflicting which has resulted in very limited ‘together’ time. We haven’t met near the amount of lifelong friends that we were told we meet. While I (for the most part) enjoy my job, I didn’t expect it to be nearly exhausting as it is. We haven’t been smacked upside the head with a clear presentation of what we’re here for and what God wants us to pursue when we’re finished.
Honestly, I just feel like I’m just meandering through the valley picking daisies, waiting for the fog to clear so I can see the mountain we need to climb.
Whatever God has for us, we’re on board. We may be shocked and a little hesitant if He called us to the African tundra, but after that first wave of panic subsided, we’d pack up and head out.
I don’t mind waiting, I just wish I knew what I was waiting for. These are a few of the unanswered questions rolling through my mind right now…
Will Justin continue seminary after this semester? Will we stay in Kansas City or move somewhere else? Where would we move? What are we going to do when we’re done here? When will we finally be caught up on the mountain of unexpected bills? Will I always work full time or will I one day get to experience being a stay at home mom? Will we even have kids? Will we ever own a home, or will we continue moving from place to place? and on and on and on the questions go.
The thing I find myself struggling with is not knowing what to do while I wait. Sure, I need to continue pursuing God and His will for my life, but what do I do when I don’t know what direction I’m headed in? Right now I feel like I set up camp at a fork in the road and sit here waiting for the next piece of the map. I suppose that’s not necessarily a bad thing though. Sometimes we need to rest up before the next hike.
I don’t know what God has in store, but I can rest in knowing that He has something. He hasn’t forgotten. He’s still in control….that’s so hard to remember in the midst of circumstances though.
What comforts you when you don’t have answers to the ‘big’ questions in life?