“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:7-11
One of my greatest fears for as long as I can remember is not choosing what God wants for me. It’s a crippling fear that I’ll either choose selfishly or stupidly and it keeps me from feeling comfortable making a decision. There is nothing I want greater in this life than to be walking with the Lord exactly where He wants me. When I was in high school, I didn’t understand what ‘context’ meant and I would scour my Bible looking for clues as to what God had for me. I would flip my Bible open to a random page, point at a verse, read it and convince myself that the Holy Spirit led me to this scripture. I treated God’s word like a fortune teller.
As I began to question the things I believed, I learned that God’s word is not meant to predict my future, it’s meant to guide my future. I remember being so amazed when I first read Psalms 37:4 and understood it how it was meant.
“Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
It’s not me saying, “God I love you and this is what I want so make it happen.” It’s me saying, “God I love you. I desire you. I want what you have for me.”
But then there I was, crippled. I love God, I want what He has for me, but I can’t figure out what He has for me…which leaves me stuck. Not knowing if I should pursue office management where I am, or maybe I shouldn’t because I’m going to be a stay at home mom. Or maybe I should go to culinary school and teach people in low income areas how to cook healthy meals without going over budget. Or maybe Justin and I are going to be called elsewhere to invest our lives in a people. I just don’t know. And it scares me to make the wrong decision. I just want God to tell me — whatever it is — and I’m on board. It’d be so much simpler.
However…it doesn’t work that way. God can’t give me the desires of my heart if the desires of my heart are so vague and unformed. Sure I want what He has for me, but what do I want for Him to have for me? I’ve been around long enough to know that God isn’t going to give me an exact replica of my hopes and dreams, but I am learning that it’s ok to have hopes and dreams. Without them, nothing will ever seem right. No choice will ever be easy. Nothing will ever tug at my heart’s strings. I will continue to sit and wait, not knowing where the next breeze will blow.
So this is what I want. This is what I’m going to invest my time, money, energy and all other resources in. If God wants to pull me in another direction, then so be it. I’d love to go that way. But if there’s one thing God is good at, it’s giving us gifts that we can use to glorify Him and share the truths of His kingdom.
I want a house. And not just any house.
I want a house in downtown Kansas City. (Specifically the Longfellow community)
I want it to have at least 4 bedrooms, so when family and friends are in town they don’t need a hotel room and I can offer them more than just a couch.
I don’t care about the size of the bedrooms. I want a large living/dining/kitchen/basement area.
I want to entertain, throw parties, have friends over for a small informal meal. I love to cook and I love to have people over. I want the space for that.
I want the kitchen to be large and open. I want ample amounts of counter space so friends can be in the kitchen with me. I don’t want it walled off from the living or dining room — I want it all connected, so I can visit while I cook.
I want a dining room table that can seat 15+
I want a backyard with a garden and large patio set.
In a book I once read, the author said, “If you truly believe your home belongs to Jesus, then He can invite anyone to it He wants. And Jesus has some weird friends.” I want that. I want to invest in people’s lives in a way that I don’t know how. I want my home to belong to Jesus, my budget to belong to Jesus, my car to belong to Jesus and my life to belong to Jesus. I want to use the things He gives me to glorify Him.
I want kids. 3-4, mostly red-headed, freckle faced boys (I know, I know…maybe a little too specific.)
I want to raise them in such a way that they aren’t scared or scarred from this world. I want them to see the things they see and hear the things they hear and not be judgmental or anxious. I want to teach them that everyone deserves love and that bad choices don’t make you a bad person.
I don’t want them to be able to regurgitate scripture, I want them to understand and live it. I don’t want to yell or spank or fight. I want to show them God’s love, mercy and grace.
I want Justin. Forever. And I want him to want me. Forever. I want a love that is so deeply rooted and pure, that nothing this world has to offer will be more enticing. I want to walk with him daily and for us to be an example of what a God centered marriage is like. I want him around for every single step of the way. I want him to be the head of our household. I want to honor, love and respect his decisions. I want him to honor, love and respect my decisions. I want to be a team, I don’t want to be the lone ranger and I don’t want him to feel the need to take charge of everything. I want compromise, love, forgiveness, grace and fun to flow through our marriage and into the lives of those who gather around my extremely large kitchen table and chop vegetables on my ample amount of counter space.
Most importantly, I want Jesus. I want Him to reign over all of my wants. I want Him to steer my heart back on path when I get sidetracked. I want Him to guide my wants in the direction that rids myself of all materialism, selfishness, pride and resentment. If any of my previous listed wants are selfish, I want Him to purify and cleanse them.
This is what I want.